I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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