This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
