After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
