I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
