what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
