If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
