Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
