Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
