I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
