Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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