I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
