this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
im on a boat
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