I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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