She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
