y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
