she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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