I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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