Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
