i permit you to call me
You can't special order awesome
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
