Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
