I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
