I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
