mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
