My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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