I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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