I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
