....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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