Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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