how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
