I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
