apparently the secret to your success is patron
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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