She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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