Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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