dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
