dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
