I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
