Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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