You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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