Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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