how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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