My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
