Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
True college students do jello shots in the library
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