my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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