you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
