If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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