Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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