That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize