Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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