Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
