I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
