I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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