My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
