Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
