I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize