meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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