Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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