It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's blow job season.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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