I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low