So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
