I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
