shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
