i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
