just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
